id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
