I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
