I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
