My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
