We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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