Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He passed out mid-signature
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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