um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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