i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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