He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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