dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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