I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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