I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
