just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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