I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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