Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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