i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
