Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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