arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
