im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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