my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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