I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
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He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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