Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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