you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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