I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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