you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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