Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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