Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
