I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
