And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
