My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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