She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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