I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
