You're my little dorito
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
