sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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