Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
