ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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