dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
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Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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