clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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