he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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