if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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