Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
