You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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