i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
