What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize