saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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