Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
