and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
