you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
