when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
