from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
