my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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