White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
