I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
