Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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