I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
