the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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